uggg

Today is one of those days you just want to give up. Where you start off seeing where your hard work and dedication has so paid off.. I'm where I think I want and need to be, I feel like I'm seeing changes in my body and I'm PROUD of myself, my classes are finally giving me information I need that I wanted to know, that I know I can be good at, and I have a goal - a beautiful 2013 Honda PCX150 scooter that is a dream to me for $3,000... and finally, a good phone interview and a solid promise for an in-person interview for an amazing job which pays GOOD that might help me finally realize my goals and attain them... then in 5minutes, all of the hope and promise and wonderfulness you've experienced gets smushed down. Trivialized. And you're left with a gaping hole that everything you've worked for means nothing to the person you want to impress the most. So... that's my day.

Still kickin' it!

Had quite a few setbacks, bike broken, having trouble finding a job etc. But I'm still working on my plan, got a new bike today even, since mine is super broken now, and I'm breaking it in. :p  So, today I walked to Sears then biked home with a new Schwinn :p I have a busy week this week with school, but am still pushing myself past what I think I can do.

*sneeze*

Biked yesterday, had an interview *hope I get it!!*, swam today in one of the open pools at my apt complex. One pool was closed by the health department (uh oh)... Also, I finally got my mailbox key, after a month of living here lol... And today I got my veggie food in the mail WOOT WOOT! Now I get protein added to my diet lol.
Got some reading to do tonight for class tomorrow annnnnd.. nothing else. I get to hang out here :p

*yawn*

Had a seminar all of today at school for child abuse/neglect. It was interesting, depressing at times, but interesting. Considering that's one of the areas I want to specialize in someday, it was fascinating to me, though I wish we delved deeper into how to treat those patients who have sustained trauma. I stayed up a bit too late last night, and I'm not used to getting up at 7am, so it was a bit rough to sit in a class from basically 9am to 5pm. Buuuut I made it, and now I'm halfway into getting credit for the 2 credit hour class. So that's pretty exciting! Biked to and from today, and stopped off at the CVS on my way home in order to get some more bread and fill the desire for my craving for chocolate ice cream. Bad, I know, but it's the first time I've had ice cream since moving here, and I decided I deserved a little treat for all the exercising I've been doing lately - including the bike ride home... uphill... in 105 degree heat. As long as it doesn't become a habit (not like I could afford it anyways lol) then I don't think it's that bad of a thing. :)
I am getting a bit concerned though with my joints. I feel tons better than when I started this only a couple short weeks ago, and I feel like my body is changing and getting stronger, but I'm having some issues with pain in my ankle (again). I've physically done a lot this week already, so aside from the weekly deep cleaning of my apartment set for tomorrow, I'm going to take it a bit easy until Monday and work on some reading for school and catching up on sleep.

Bah humbag

More things going wrong... more bike issues, blog gets temporarily deleted lol... yeah... Anyways, I biked to and from school today, glad about that. Really tired though and going back and forth between being excited and being discouraged about.. everything. Wanting to crawl into bed and sleep now... I think I may do just that. Night night

Back to it...

Even though I didn't really feel like it (spotting a trend yet? lol), I went for a swim this afternoon - did 30 laps, played around a bit in the pool doing flips and such, and did 50 push-ups. I feel like I'm getting stronger, which is awesome! Next step is to reduce my food intake, but I don't think I'm quite ready to just yet, maybe in another week or two once I make working out an actual habit instead of simply something I'm forcing myself to do haha. I've got tons to read tonight for school tomorrow and a short assignment I need to complete, so going to keep this entry short. Cya tomorrow! :)

Something's gotta give

I'm exhausted and discouraged. Felt like I was coming down with something yesterday, so I didn't do anything but relax and do some schoolwork. Today I had class and biked to and from, my bike isn't getting any better, still having issues with the broken piece making the seat fall all the way down and swivel around, which is a PITA. Getting more and more info on the program I'm in and the requirements even past graduation and the tests I need to pass and the struggles I have yet to face. Doing everything all at once - moving out to Cali, working on a grad program, trying to make rent and bills, trying to find a job so I can get some sort of RELIABLE transportation fit for an adult, trying to improve myself and work on my personal issues, AND trying to lose weight on top of it all - seems like trying to climb a mountain... without legs... while being chained to a rock. Just ridiculously impossible.
I know that God didn't make everything work to get me out here just to fail, but I'm seriously in need of a good cry session or something. Just to let me feel bad for myself for a second, then be given everything else I need haha. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. I need to trust God to lead me towards what He wants me to do and open up the doors instead of worrying about which ones I should try to force open by myself.
Okay, time to finish this episode of Grey's Anatomy and get some food... Unfortunately, food always makes me feel better lol.
Oh! Bonus for tonight though... here are the pics I promised from last week. GROSS!

One...Two...Skip a few

Okay okay, I only skipped one day, and for good reason lol. Yesterday my body was screaming at me to take a break, so I listened and took a quiet day to myself (and to my xbox *cough cough*.) I biked to and from school today (with a 50lb book bag on my back, thanks to an $860 trip to the campus bookstore - kill me now!!!) and even skipped the elevator and walked up the stairs to go to one of my classes. I was already tired, so I was proud of myself for that move. Though I did regret it when I got home later and it took me like 7minutes just to climb the stairs to my apartment with bike in hand lol. After doing something tomorrow, I'll have officially completed my goal of doing 5days of exercise this week and be done with my first week of my commitment, which is a big deal to me.  :)

Things have been stressful here lately, but it's not necessarily unexpected. It's a big undertaking to move across the country alone, then start a graduate program the same week and be worried about finances as more and more money taking pains come up with no influx just yet. I'm disappointed that the job I was hoping to on campus was already filled, so I'm going to have to go around here applying at other places. I'd love to work at a vet clinic again! 

More than anything right now, I'm feeling the necessity of having a car. Biking home so late at night just does not feel safe to me here at all. I think part of that is just not knowing the neighborhood really, and not knowing anyone in the immediate area that I could call if anything did happen... So a job is on the top of my list of things to do/get, so I can move forward with everything.

I'm tired now, so going to get some much needed rest before cleaning my apartment tomorrow, job search Monday! Kelly, Ethan, and my own baby, Stephen, are coming down tomorrow to visit and I couldn't be more excited to see them all! :)  Much to do before they arrive... clean, do laundry... sleep.... lol

'Til later ;)

Exhausted

So today marked the official first day of graduate school. Had some up's and down's, nothing spectacular happened, just an extension of some of the classes I've had in undergrad (though to be fair, I had a couple really kick ass professors that took psych undergrad to a whole other level.) I did bike the intended 4miles to and from school today, getting there wasn't so bad, aside from being kinda hot out, but getting home sucked hard. I was tired, first off, and it was hot, but I found the roads to get home are not lit! So seeing is somewhat of a challenge in the pitch black of night haha. Unfortunately, I'm also just a little phobic of the Riverside gangs I've heard about haha... I'm just thankful that, in the end, I wasn't able to get the books for class that I wanted to today, and thus was 50lbs shy of what I could have been carrying on my back. A nice ice cold dip in the shower when I got home made my day 10times better. I did remember to take pics on my way out the door today, and though its very embarrassing, I'll do my best to post them tomorrow because tonight, I veg!

Here we go!

I'm on a mission to lose over 200 pounds... Yep, you read that right, 200. Not 20, not 50, not even 100. 200 pounds. Now this isn't the first time I've decided to lose basically another person off of my body, I've had on and off again relationships with the most radical diets out there and there comes a point where they just don't work anymore, I get discouraged and I give up. Here lately, I've come to realize that even though when I'm at the point where I feel like I'm starving myself and not getting the results I want, I'm in a far better position, physically, than when I don't do anything at all to help my body and give in to a lazy, chocolate and pasta filled lifestyle. What I decided I need to find my motivation to a total lifestyle makeover is accountability. This journey will be slow-going and, I know now, will be filled with times where I feel like I can't go on anymore, but it will also be filled with small triumphs. And I want to share this journey with you. Every joy and sorrow documented so that I can get the much needed support and accountability I need, and others can find their own motivation in my story.
To start this out... I don't own a scale. You might think it's a bit hard to tell if you're doing yourself any good by not recording weight, but there are a few main reasons for this. The first is this - traditional scales simply do not go up high enough to record my current weight (sad and depressing, I know, but it is reality). A second reason is that body weight (especially at my size) will very widely depending on water/fat/muscle composition and can give me numbers that aren't necessarily indicative of my actual success at true fat loss. And lastly, I don't care to be a certain number weight, I know I have at least 200 pounds to lose to be at a healthy level for my body, and looking, feeling and BEING healthy is far more important to me than weighing a certain number. That being said, I'm going by looks alone. Once I find what number I should be at, that may very well be a good guide later on, but for now, my body will be the focal point. I look at myself in the mirror several times a day, so weight loss can be tricky to see, but pictures taken every 2 weeks or so will show a much more comprehensive view on how I'm progressing through my journey.
The plan! I'm going to start slow in this because I think real change to last a lifetime takes time to develop so that you don't get burnt out. Stage 1 is simply to GET MOVING! Simple as that, I'm giving myself 3 options for exercise - swim 25laps and do 25 push-ups, walk 2 miles, or bike 4miles - and I need to do one of those options once a day, 5 times a week. Stage 2 is PORTION CONTROL! Simply limiting how much I eat of each meal will save me calories and combined with the first step, will really help me towards seeing how well my body can shed the extra blubber! Stage 3 is changing WHAT I eat! Meaning less high-calorie, high-sugar  and high-carb food and more of the good stuff. As I go along, each stage will be re-evaluated on a month-to-month basis, and as my body needs to consume less and exercise more, I can accommodate it by doing just that.
I'm sure some of you are wondering... Why now? Why not 5, 10 years ago? Why not next month, next year? The answer is simple. Why not? If I had stuck with diets in the past (even those that stopped really working and would only maintain my current weight loss) I would be in a lot better position now. I'm most definitely not getting any younger, so making this change will only be harder the older I get. Another reason is that I want to help those who are going through struggles of their own (heck I'm in school to learn how to do that! lol) and, even though I've made it through a lot of my own struggles in life, it seems very contradictory for me not to strive towards correcting the biggest personal pitfall in my personal life while others are seeking my help to correct their own shortcomings. Another big reason is that I want to have a family of my own someday (something which I was told recently, at my weight, is a current impossibility) and that having children is not only so important to me, but being around while they grow up is also extremely important. I can't begin to imagine starting a family just to be so selfish as to think another piece of chocolate cake (omg so yum!) is worth me being taken away from them before my time is up, or not being able to do the things with them that we all want to do because of my physical limitations. Add a little bit of personal pride in wanting to be HOT, and those are the reasons why I want to do this, and want to start NOW.
Actually, I wanted to start yesterday. So I started swimming :)  I swam my 25laps yesterday and did my 25 push-ups... Today I didn't feel like doing ANYTHING. I wanted to sit in my apartment and veg out while watching re-runs of Grey's Anatomy and playing Call of Duty... But I got my lazy ass up and went to the apartment pool and swam 40 laps!!! I wasn't super exhausted today after doing the 25 like I was yesterday, so I increased it by 5... I did 30.. then 35... before I knew it I was pushing 40 laps and had done 50 push-ups! I was extremely proud of myself! I didn't go as fast as I had yesterday in my laps, but speed isn't the goal, simply getting up and moving around was, and I couldn't feel better about myself for doing it! :)
Tomorrow marks the first day of graduate school, and given that I don't own a car right now and live off-campus, I'm going to get my exercise in for the day by biking to and from school (4miles round trip!). I'll also take my first picture for this blog tomorrow (if you value your vision at all, I would recommend skipping that day haha) so we have a starting point! :)
As you've seen thus far, I'm going to be very open, honest and blunt in this blog, because I don't want to sugar-coat anything (haha, get it?), that's simply not the point. The point is to let you in on the raw experience with me and give me a platform of support from others. This will be good for us all :)